Having political disagreements? Read this
/The first thing you say to someone who’s being sucked into a cult is not “This is crazy! Can’t you see you’re being manipulated? You need to get out now!”
You start by asking questions. “What do you find appealing about this group?”
Now, this is not to say that political affiliations are cults (with the exception of QAnon and a few others), but it is to say that calling peoples’ beliefs “crazy” will, without a doubt, work the opposite way you want it to.
Additionally, trying to appeal to their better senses with rational arguments will, more often than not, only broaden the distance between you and your miffed interlocutor, as “logic” is oftentimes the justification of already held beliefs, not the precursor to it.
This is all to say that whether you love Trump or hate him, you’re not going to convince anyone otherwise unless you’re willing to listen, relate, and be vulnerable.
At the end of the day, we as humans are far more similar than we are different. We all eat, sleep, poop, and have the same general hierarchy of needs, and yet it becomes so easy to fixate on the minuscule differences that threaten to tear us apart if we’re not careful.
If you’re looking to change someone’s mind, you’re going to have to start by:
listening for understanding (“That’s interesting, tell me more about that”)
being honest and vulnerable (“You know, I’m not actually sure what the exact number is, but it seems high and that scares me”)
spotlighting what the two of you have in common (“I also hate feeling so divided”)
But this is easier said than done, right? We can start a conversation with the best of intentions, then suddenly faces are flushing and plates are flying. While it’s totally natural to become angry and passionate, this rush of adrenaline works against us in a quite literal way. It flushes blood away from our brains and into our bodies, as our cortisol rises and our adrenaline surges. We stop thinking rationally, and we start feeling like all we want to do is punch the other person in the face. Whether or not fists actually fly, it’s safe to say that arguments will get less lucid and more malicious.
The only way to combat this instinct to turn your political adversary into a big, red punching bag is to take a breath (a literal breath, not a metaphorical one) in order to lower your cortisol. Then, try your best to listen rather than react, to engage with your intellect, not your emotions.
Listening for actual, genuine understanding means you’ll have to stay present, empathetic, and open-minded with whatever comes out of the other person’s mouth. Listening for understanding is not planning out what you’re going to say next, trampling over their points by interrupting, or checking out whenever they speak. It may also look like rolling with resistance, one of the foundational elements of Motivational Interviewing, wherein you invite new perspectives without imposing them.
Genuine listening creates a magical shift in any conversation. I know this for a fact because, as a coach, I see it happen right before my own eyes time and again. Be genuinely curious. Ask open-ended questions. Remain open-minded. Once your conversationalist feels seen, heard, and understood, they suddenly start to feel a sense of safety that lowers their defenses and makes them more open to new ideas.
The reverse also holds true. The more UN-safe your partner feels, the more likely they are to dig their feet in the ground, cross their arms, and go on the defensive.
Once your political dialogist feels safe, however, then you can start to have a more open, honest conversation. This will require vulnerability and transparency on your part. If you’re cloudy on the exact facts or context of a certain issue, be transparent about it. You don’t have to know every single statistic and detail to make your point. The worst thing you could do is pontificate inaccurately about something you’re only half clear on. Most people aren’t stupid, and they’ll pick up on your B.S. handily. Be upfront, be honest, and treat your conversationalist with the same level of respect you’d like in return.
Additionally, make it a point to find common ground wherever possible. “You know, I agree that Biden seems a bit sleepy and slow talking.” Or, “You’re right, Trump can be a big a-hole at times.” Common ground takes you off the court and settles you on the same bench, where both of you can start to open up with the shared goal of getting closer to the truth.
Will all this feel fair? Probably not. Will it be easy? Certainly no. Will it allow you to NOT ruin friendships, create familial chaos, and distance yourself from those you love? Abso-freakin-lutely.