What No One’s Telling You About Confidence and Happiness

As far as I can see it, the path to happiness and confidence lies in the pursuit of balancing out two extremes: ambition and acceptance.

As a coach, whenever I ask people about their goals, most people include some version of, "I just want to be confident and happy!”

But here's the thing: neither can be obtained or achieved or even measured. They’re volatile and elusive practices with inconsistent outcomes.

This is perhaps why there's so much mixed messaging around it.

On one extreme, you have the shiny-shoed, glittery-eyed Tony Robbins' of the world, preaching that the path to self-actualization is through emotional mastery and bold action. “You can have everything you've ever wanted and more if you simply do the right personal development work!”

Sounds enticing, no?

But, if that's the case, then why aren’t all Tony Robbins’ fans billionaires with six packs and perfect marriages?

Don't get me wrong, I love a good Tony Robbins YouTube binge from time to time, but the whole “I did it and you can too” idea, though alluring, loses some credibility knowing that Tony Robbins is an incredibly intelligent, charming, and statuesque white male who speaks more eloquently and assuredly than most people ever could on their best possible day.

This is all to say that, while I like the spirit of all this stuff, if you ask me, it's just not that easy.

On the other extreme, you have the soft-talking, mantra-wielding spiritual gurus, quietly propounding that the path to contentedness is by being monk-like and wanting for nothing. "Just be mindful and present, and everything you need will present itself through the very act of following the breath and being in the now!" 

Sounds easy enough when they say it like that, huh?

And yet, I know that, for me, it's so often the case that when I try to be still and "follow my breath," I somehow end up following a mental stream of endless "to do" lists and thinking about that stupid thing I should've said differently.

So…

One camp is telling us to rev up and act boldly. 

And the other camp is telling us to slow down and simplify.

Who’s right?

Well, I’ve thought about this a lot, and here’s my take:

As tends to be the case with most things in life, I think the capital “T” Truth lies somewhere in between these equally wise extremes. On one hand, if you can’t find a way to be satisfied with enough, you'll likely never be satisfied with anything; on the other hand, if you never strive for anything, you're destined for a passionless life of stagnation and meaninglessness.

Thus, your happiest, most confident you is probably going to be a beautifully messy mishmash of contradictions.

It’ll be serene simplicity one day, and fiery ambition the next. 

It’ll be a quiet morning reading a book, and a wild night out with the gals.

Like life, your happiest, most confident self will be frustratingly erratic and refreshingly malleable.

The path to the best you is less a straight, tree-lined path to bliss, and more a winding scenic highway that sometimes looks beautiful and sometimes makes you car sick. It's the kind of road without signs, proper lighting, or cell reception; the kind of confusing backwoods highway that makes you both marvel at its beauty and grumble in frustration as you yell absurdly at the open, un-answering road,

“It’s 2019 for crying out loud! We have Google Maps and Siri and all sorts of technology! How have they not figured this out by now?!”

And what can I say? It's a fair question, my friend. A fair question, indeed.